Punishment: Tips & Tricks

I am often asked questions about punishment by women who are new to the Femdom lifestyle.
Here I will try to answer some of the more common questions. Please understand that I answer these question for myself and share how I deal with punishment issues. Based on your relationship with your sub and your personality you might either want to be more strict/firm or less..

When do I punish and what do I let slide and forgive?
The main issue with punishments is consistency (VERY important)! If you told your partner he will be p-punished if he does a certain thing then follow it through! Your partner is seeking your guidance and control. Not punishing an act you find unacceptable is sending out a message you have no control! In general, if I ask my partner to do something and he forgets, I will punish him with the cane. If he is rude (eg: talking back to me) I will face slap him. For more basic things like if he drops something while cleaning the table or not cleaning things up to my standards I simply talk sternly to him (ie I let it slide). If such minor things happen more often however I suggest a good caning as well. Finally, as we love our little subbies, we always forgive. .

Three important pillars for punishment
- Punishment in any detail must be different from other types of Femdom action. Punishment is not bedroom play time, it is punishment. For instance you can have special BDSM toys used only for punishment and nothing else. A sturdy cane is perfect for such occasions.

- It is you who defines the severity of punishment. You chooses the time your partner is going to be punished and how. All these things must not be discussed. Just make sure it feels like punishment and make sure he will remember.

 - One offence - one punishment. This is the main principle which if not followed makes punishment useless. Your partner must always be aware what he is being punished for.

The process
Whether its a stern talk, a slap in the face for rudeness, caning or caging the process for punishment is always the same. The first step is to explanation to your partner what he did wrong and what you expected him to do instead. Make sure he realises his guilt/mistake otherwise everything that comes next is going to be of no use. Although we'd love them to be able to read out minds, our partners are only human. Without communication  you can't alter his behaviour.

Step two is where you let your sub apologise for his behaviour/mistake. You will accept his apology and tell him he will be punished for his behaviour later.

Step three is the actual punishment. Based on severity of the infraction I usually administer between 30 and 150 hits with my cane. This depends also on what kind of cane you use and what the pain threshold of your partner is. In general a hit with a cane should leave a mark that should still be visible the next day. If you are not sure you hit hard enough, simply inspect your partner's behinds the day after and learn from that for the next time. Based on the severity of what he did I will always add a certain amount of cage time (anywhere between 1h and 24h in either the small or the big cage - if 6h+ then the big cage) for him to think trough his actions. It's important not to falter and remember that you are actually doing this because he needs this. Last but not least, in my house if I administere a punishment my partner is naked and I wear whatever I happen to be wearing that day; there is no need to play dress up for punishment!

The last step is forgiveness. Free your partner from his cage and let him know what punishment he is going to undergo for committing the same crime again (which should be more severe then this time). Tell him he is forgiven and give him a hug.


Finally I would like to say that in the start of your Femdom relationship punishments must be very severe and frequent as you are in the proces of altering your partner's behaviour; this takes time and effort. Punishments might become rarer and less cruel as your relationshop evolves. You are trying to give your submissive ’rules’ to suit your desires and become a better servant. Enjoy the process and let the inner bitch out girls!